Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A post for the man I loved.

9:46 P.M.
4 weeks and 6 days ago I saw you for the last time. I wish I knew it was the last time.
Thursday Morning. I should’ve been up. I should’ve seen you leave…I should’ve hugged you. 
I didn’t.  
Tomorrow. Thursday again. Going to be 5 weeks. One month and four days. 
5 weeks ago You went missing. We got worried. All sorts of possibilities in my head.
Maybe you fainted some where.
Maybe some one stole your mobile that’s why you weren’t picking up our calls.
Maybe you got injured and can’t remember the way back home.
Friday I told a friend I won’t eat till you come back. And that I’ll eat with you.
Saturday morning. I cried. Wondering where you are…and have you eaten anything.
Saturday evening. Annie on the phone. I heard her say in a weak voice…
“You positive?”
My glasses fell. I backed into my room. I screamed. I kicked. I fell down. I pulled my hair. 
People came running saying what’s wrong…calm down…and all I was screaming…
“I want you back. Its not true.”
They forced me to drink water. I wanted to take the glass and throw it away. Break it.
Destroy everything. I didn’t. I felt really weak.
Monday evening. I saw you. 
They didn’t let me touch you. I was so upset about that. 
Aap meray ho. And and meri marzi. So I touched your arm when nobody was looking.
But I couldn’t feel you. You were wrapped up in…clothes…and cotton.
You had cotton on your nose too. Fresh red blood on it. 5 days in the freezer. And yet you looked as if you were sleeping. XD. I REALLY wanted to touch your face. 
I’m so mad. Why didn’t they find your glasses and ear-piece?
Main screw ker doon gi sab ko. Aap wait kero.
You know what Dad…Bhai has really changed. It still feels like a bad dream. A part of me doesn’t believe it. Like the bell will ring any second…I’ll run and open the door…and there XD. You’re standing. And you’ll tell me to tell Mama to get the dinner ready XD.
I love you. And I feel so unloved now. I took out your pens from your briefcase :$.
All I needed was a little more time with you. I had it planned you know.
I’ll grow up. You’ll be old. You’ll have no other option but to depend on me. And I'll be so happy. That was going to be the time when *I* was going to do something for you XD.
I wanted to show you what I could be. Show you that you need no one more than your daughter. 
A few months ago I actually told Rija and SaraH that I can’t wait for you to be old XD. 
LOOK AT ME NOW DAD! Jus look at me.
I’m heart broken. I feel empty. I lie to people EVERYTIME they ask me how am I.
I can’t concentrate on school. I can’t do anything. EVERYTHING. Reminds. Me. Of. YOU!
The sofa you sat on always. I sit on it at times. I try to feel you. =/
Mama leaves the bedroom light on every night. No one sleeps there now. Because Laiba gets upset.
I can like still like feel it. I’m on the computer. And you come in. Look at me. Then the screen. Then you jus take your blanket and go to your room. Or you jus sit with me.
Come sit with me now. :’) I’d hug you so hard =/
I miss coming home and you opening the door for me and hiding EVERYTIME behind the door XD. It used to make me angry *hehem*. Do it now. I’ll be more than happy to see you hiding some where right now.
I miss your fries. And zo my gawd. Your Salad was The Best Salad ever (Y).
I miss you watching T.v on loud volume XD.
I miss you telling the same joke over and over again. That used to annoy me too. And now I’m dying to hear your voice.
I miss you calling me every night before you slept. 
I miss you bringing pepsi for me every time you came home. XD. You were the only one who let me drink how much ever I wanted. And and I remember Bhai stopping me and you’d jus take the bottle from him and give it to me.
I miss pulling your cheeks. I loved your dimple. And I think you looked awesome in white hair. =)
I miss everything.
I used to get tears in my eyes every time you smiled and were happy. XD.
I could’ve done anything for you. Seriously.
I wanted to go before you. =/ I’m so upset now.
I jus hope you’re in peace XD. InshAllah InshAllah InshAllah. =).
And what kills me the most is when I think about the pain you felt that day. 
Whether it was for a minute. Second. Millisecond. I wish I could take the pain away from you.
It really hurts to think or see some one I dearly love in pain. 
I feel as if I can tolerate it more =/ You be happy. XD.
I broke my shoe today. We were jus going to enter Faisliyah. And it broke. It were the boots you loved XD. I was so upset. XD. And because they had like a huge sole. I looked like a retard walking…And some people were laughing at me…So Annie told me to take the other shoe off too =|
So bahaha I walked around Faisliyah without shoes Papa :D It was funny :P
So we bought me new shoes \m/ Annie said buy pumps <.< I went for slippers instead =D And and like they were all so expensive =| But I got these awesome slippers I really love jus for 51 \m/  They’d fit you too Dad. =)
I was upset when Mom gave your clothes away. XD. 
Like not upset. I felt angry. Possessive. My dad. His things are mine too. =/
I know I know I act like a kid at times =/ I just love you a lot.
“Rubbir Humhuma Kama Rabba yaani Sagheerun”.
What upset me more today was when I heard about Ammar…Grade 10…XD.
Road accident too.
I jus hope he didn’t feel pain either. XD.
And that his soul is at peace. And God forgives his sins. Makes day of judgment easy for him like you. XD. InshAllah. And give his family patience jus like he gave us XD.
And I’m still going to try to do all that I wanted to do if you were still here. XD.
I love you a lot. XD.