Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A post for the man I loved.

9:46 P.M.
4 weeks and 6 days ago I saw you for the last time. I wish I knew it was the last time.
Thursday Morning. I should’ve been up. I should’ve seen you leave…I should’ve hugged you. 
I didn’t.  
Tomorrow. Thursday again. Going to be 5 weeks. One month and four days. 
5 weeks ago You went missing. We got worried. All sorts of possibilities in my head.
Maybe you fainted some where.
Maybe some one stole your mobile that’s why you weren’t picking up our calls.
Maybe you got injured and can’t remember the way back home.
Friday I told a friend I won’t eat till you come back. And that I’ll eat with you.
Saturday morning. I cried. Wondering where you are…and have you eaten anything.
Saturday evening. Annie on the phone. I heard her say in a weak voice…
“You positive?”
My glasses fell. I backed into my room. I screamed. I kicked. I fell down. I pulled my hair. 
People came running saying what’s wrong…calm down…and all I was screaming…
“I want you back. Its not true.”
They forced me to drink water. I wanted to take the glass and throw it away. Break it.
Destroy everything. I didn’t. I felt really weak.
Monday evening. I saw you. 
They didn’t let me touch you. I was so upset about that. 
Aap meray ho. And and meri marzi. So I touched your arm when nobody was looking.
But I couldn’t feel you. You were wrapped up in…clothes…and cotton.
You had cotton on your nose too. Fresh red blood on it. 5 days in the freezer. And yet you looked as if you were sleeping. XD. I REALLY wanted to touch your face. 
I’m so mad. Why didn’t they find your glasses and ear-piece?
Main screw ker doon gi sab ko. Aap wait kero.
You know what Dad…Bhai has really changed. It still feels like a bad dream. A part of me doesn’t believe it. Like the bell will ring any second…I’ll run and open the door…and there XD. You’re standing. And you’ll tell me to tell Mama to get the dinner ready XD.
I love you. And I feel so unloved now. I took out your pens from your briefcase :$.
All I needed was a little more time with you. I had it planned you know.
I’ll grow up. You’ll be old. You’ll have no other option but to depend on me. And I'll be so happy. That was going to be the time when *I* was going to do something for you XD.
I wanted to show you what I could be. Show you that you need no one more than your daughter. 
A few months ago I actually told Rija and SaraH that I can’t wait for you to be old XD. 
LOOK AT ME NOW DAD! Jus look at me.
I’m heart broken. I feel empty. I lie to people EVERYTIME they ask me how am I.
I can’t concentrate on school. I can’t do anything. EVERYTHING. Reminds. Me. Of. YOU!
The sofa you sat on always. I sit on it at times. I try to feel you. =/
Mama leaves the bedroom light on every night. No one sleeps there now. Because Laiba gets upset.
I can like still like feel it. I’m on the computer. And you come in. Look at me. Then the screen. Then you jus take your blanket and go to your room. Or you jus sit with me.
Come sit with me now. :’) I’d hug you so hard =/
I miss coming home and you opening the door for me and hiding EVERYTIME behind the door XD. It used to make me angry *hehem*. Do it now. I’ll be more than happy to see you hiding some where right now.
I miss your fries. And zo my gawd. Your Salad was The Best Salad ever (Y).
I miss you watching T.v on loud volume XD.
I miss you telling the same joke over and over again. That used to annoy me too. And now I’m dying to hear your voice.
I miss you calling me every night before you slept. 
I miss you bringing pepsi for me every time you came home. XD. You were the only one who let me drink how much ever I wanted. And and I remember Bhai stopping me and you’d jus take the bottle from him and give it to me.
I miss pulling your cheeks. I loved your dimple. And I think you looked awesome in white hair. =)
I miss everything.
I used to get tears in my eyes every time you smiled and were happy. XD.
I could’ve done anything for you. Seriously.
I wanted to go before you. =/ I’m so upset now.
I jus hope you’re in peace XD. InshAllah InshAllah InshAllah. =).
And what kills me the most is when I think about the pain you felt that day. 
Whether it was for a minute. Second. Millisecond. I wish I could take the pain away from you.
It really hurts to think or see some one I dearly love in pain. 
I feel as if I can tolerate it more =/ You be happy. XD.
I broke my shoe today. We were jus going to enter Faisliyah. And it broke. It were the boots you loved XD. I was so upset. XD. And because they had like a huge sole. I looked like a retard walking…And some people were laughing at me…So Annie told me to take the other shoe off too =|
So bahaha I walked around Faisliyah without shoes Papa :D It was funny :P
So we bought me new shoes \m/ Annie said buy pumps <.< I went for slippers instead =D And and like they were all so expensive =| But I got these awesome slippers I really love jus for 51 \m/  They’d fit you too Dad. =)
I was upset when Mom gave your clothes away. XD. 
Like not upset. I felt angry. Possessive. My dad. His things are mine too. =/
I know I know I act like a kid at times =/ I just love you a lot.
“Rubbir Humhuma Kama Rabba yaani Sagheerun”.
What upset me more today was when I heard about Ammar…Grade 10…XD.
Road accident too.
I jus hope he didn’t feel pain either. XD.
And that his soul is at peace. And God forgives his sins. Makes day of judgment easy for him like you. XD. InshAllah. And give his family patience jus like he gave us XD.
And I’m still going to try to do all that I wanted to do if you were still here. XD.
I love you a lot. XD. 


  1. Omg that was soooo sweet and sad and omg. Awesome blog. :')

    InshAllah xD

  2. I've been looking at your tweets lately a lot but say nothing because a loss as big as this cannot be consoled in words, and that too by someone who hasn't felt it himself. May Almighty grant your dad forgiveness and a high place in Paradise.

    Ps. This post is really emotional. It can bring tears in the reader's eyes, wonder how you managed the strength to pen your thoughts. Take care of yourself, and esp. your mum! :)

  3. hey i dont know much and didnt know ur father but this blog is so beautiful and sad and makes me feel like i have known ur father my whole life,he was a really amazing person i would have loved to have met him in person.

  4. He was lucky, you know. To have had a daughter like you. Ily.

  5. This is juss sooo beautiful, I literally have tears in my eyes. Yess he really was lucky to have such a loving and amazing daughter like u Nosh :)


  6. sweetest i've read!
    love it!
    hugs babe

  7. love this post <3 iA =)

  8. I was waiting for this one.
    Some people in life no one can replace.

  9. This one really came from your heart. No matter how much busy you get in life, if you loose someone as dear as your dad then you are always going to miss him. InshaAllah your dad will be at a much better place.

  10. made me cry.....XD ths is beuatiful :')

  11. Beautiful. It takes a whole lot of courage to write what you just wrote. Awesome, very emotional. Loved it. he most definilty is in a better place. It's such an awesome feeling to know the after-life of us, We* Muslims innit?
    P.s: Anyone reading this please offer Fateha for him in particular & everyone in general. Thanks.

  12. everytime i'm at your place and hear the bell, i still feel as if your dad's there
    and i remember whenever i use to come and he used to open the door, he was always hiding and i would come in and look behind the door
    i miss him saying "meeeaon aaie hai"
    inshallah he's in a better place
    may his soul rest in peace, may allah reserve a place for him in jannatul firdaus ... Ameen

  13. Literally had tears in my eyes when i read this.Its really emotional.I wonder how you managed to write it down.
    May his soul rest in peace ...Ameen


  14. amazingly written.

    i remember the day when i learned of your dad's death. i was at school and his death took me back to my own mum's death.

    i was talkin about it with ahsan, and i made him cry. and thats the only time ive seen him cry.

  15. amazingly written.

    i remember the day when i learned of your dad's death. i was at school and his death took me back to my own mum's death.

    i was talkin about it with ahsan, and i made him cry. and thats the only time ive seen him cry.

  16. You give me hope. I love you. Secretly.

  17. He was one hell of a lucky dad to have an ammmaaazzziinnnggg daughter like you sheena=)
    may his soul rest in peace
    Luv u :-*

  18. This blog literally made me cry, even the saddest of saddest books hasn't made me cry. I think your dad was really really *really* lucky to have you. Love you loads <3

  19. that was so sweet
    and may he gets the best place in jannat

  20. children like you are the reason why this world still has hope.
    you are going to do great things in life.
    i can tell.
    if you ever lose hope, always remember, someone's watching over you.

  21. May Allah make a place for him in heaven. Ameen

    Amazingg..your dad must be so proud of you :)


  22. I have read this post million times over, and every time I do so - I tear up!
    I know for every daughter; her dad is the best ever, but all my friends loved our dad :) but not as much as I did/do!
    I remember the time he walked for the entire day, entering the house EXHAUSTED =| I cried my eyes out - couldn't stop lecturing him. I sat by his feet, massaging all night as he slept in pain :|
    It killed me then and it kills me over and over to think about the pain of 11 a.m. Thursday, 11 March.

    Ghada loved your post, I read it out to the staff today! Najma teared.
    I think I will read it out in Hiigh-School; a short autobiography!

  23. this is your first post i am reading....i almost cried reading about your dad...very emotional... parents are blessing of Allah... May Allah swt grant you and your family patience and strength....

  24. OMG!! I started reading and when I reached the mid of the post my heart started to beat so fast that I felt like dying. I couldn't read any more and I cannot still read further even after a lot of try.

    My his soul rest in peace. Ya Allah mere abu ka saya hamesha mujh per rakhna.. Abu ko aur ami ko kabhiiii kuch na hu. Aur jin k ami ya abu iss dunya se chale gye hein wo apnay bacho ka be cheni se jannat me intazar ker rhay hon :'( Ameen.

  25. Very emotional blog. May Allah grant him the highest place in Heaven. Ameen. :') He's up there looking down at at you being proud. Stay strong like you are.

    Take care of yourself. And your family. =]

  26. i am moved to read emotions and steel strength put together to express it all. May Lord grant him highest place in Paradise, and more strength to you. God Bless you.

  27. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. This post is so moving and so emotional that I couldn't read it all.

    Hug and Love. May God give you and your the strength to bear with the loss.