Messed up.

Here I am again...with another boring morning...Why do i get up so early? For who =/? For somebody...for who I have to wait alot...and yeah waiting hurts...and yes it's good to wake up early...but it gets really boring when you don't have anyone around you. And when I have to have to get up early...I don't =/
Shall I take a shower =/ ? Uff. Too lazy to take one =/ But crap I think I'll have too =/ I mean like yukh. Don't want to go to a friends house all messed up.
I want to leave everything...everybody...like you know...not forever...because I know that I won't be able to hold on alone for so long...but at least for a while...just want to fresh up...stay alone...chill like I do by myself...and not wanting anybody to cheer me up or make me happy...I want to be alone...but right now I'm alone...and its freaking boring...maybe it's because...I am waiting for dudy...I want some time...when I have to wait for no one...It was way better before...when it was just me and me and me...nobody to hurt me...nobody to wait for...nobody to think about...not just dudy...am talking about everybody...all my friends...everybody...and the more I want to be alone the more I'm getting surrounded by people...and I'm tired of the word "promise"...I can't keep any more promises...at least not now...I remember...no actually I had forgotten...Zunaira reminded me yesterday night....that like long ago...maybe in gr5 or 6...I used to cry...cry because I never had friends...was always left out...ignored...laughed at...and look at me now...everything changes with time...everybody changed...I changed....I don't like you know not like it....I love it like this XD...because...I don't know...maybe because many people like me now XD they trust me...laugh with me...its a part of me now...but I just need some time...just a little bit...
And guess what...I had no dreams today...so slept well...but...still can't stop thinking about him...yes I confess...i like him...and its increasing day by day...but I don't want to leave my dudy XD
I don't know why you are not talking to me...I just said that I don't want to think about it...Annie did everything...wanted to do so much...she couldn't...and I saw her cry...I know how she felt...and me...crap...I dont have to clarify myself...do what you want to..because you have a future...I don't...and I don't have to explain anything I do...yes I do want to be the richest lady...and crap...those are just my dreams...I just say that stuff...to make me happy...
"....he don't see you like I do....beautiful not just for show...."

And never let go.

G'mrnin world =)
I'm blogging =P This is the only thing I can do in the morning when I'm alone =/ Wanted to blog soo much..specially about some stuff that Rija wrote and i didn't like it =/ not in the sense that it was like you know bad or something...it was great...she writes good...but I was against the way she thinks about some stuff...like the womanizer and that mothers day one =/ It's not her fault either =/ we all have different views about things...couldn't blog because of 3 things =( one I never got the right time...second I felt as if I you know my blog is useless and careless piece of work..like I write because it feels good..but I also write because I know my friends would read it...but like whats the use =/ you guys know me so well...and thirdly I didn't want to blog because checkout my blog man =P such a stupid layout =/ check out the colors =/ look at the titles I gave =P I mean I don't know =/ It's just this thing in me...I feel as if you know...like Rija's and SaraH's and Dudy's blogs are perfect =) and and everything is like arranged properly and it looks nice...You guys are so neat =/ and I'm not...it's hard to believe I'm a part of you guys XD and here I am saying it again...we all are different =)
It's the third day since the last exam =/ first day was great..enjoyed like hell with Hiba and Ramsha =)
The second day sucked...Don't know how the third day will be...It's going to be fun...at least that's what I'm telling myself =/...
For me..life sucks at the moment...Just so confused these days...I'm so upset these days...I know why I'm such a cry-baby =/ It's just that at this age I'm going through alot of bad times...and when something happens or somebody says somethig to me...no matter how small or silly it is...this one little thing..piles up on to the huge mountain of tensions and worries I already have...and when it does...heart starts feeling heavy...and I then i start crying =/
Just want God to do something...to break this mountain..to take it all away...
I don't know when am I going to see bhai =( If he comes...everythings going to be better...I'll be happy...house is so incomplete without you bhai XD my life is incomplete without you XD
I always wanted to have loads of more brothers...and give them all my love...and be the best sister ever...(which I am now too =P)...(If we think about it =/ I wanna give all my love to so many people =P...and I want to be the best-something always XD I don't know if that is like you know mean of me or something =/ Wait. I'm crazy. Thats not mean of you Nosh :| Stop thinking like this XD *shakes nosh* I AM going to be the best...daughter...sister...friend...love...wife...mother...aunt...and grandmother =) ) ----> o crap I hate that double line =/...yea so I was saying be the best sister ever...i never realised that how lucky I am to have at least 1 brother...until I met SaraH...and since then...I have thanked God so much...for giving me bhai...and I learned a lesson from that...no matter what the thing is...never be greedy...thank God for what he gave you XD
When he'll come I'll make sure he fixes my sound card =/ I'm so bored without...the music I download..have to make sure they are mp3...and then I transfer them to my cell...and I have to watch so many movies and stuff =( have to wait for Annie to come home so I can use her laptop...and seriously I don't like using the laptop..I'm way more comfortable with my this stupid computer...I love you computer =)
It's going to be so cool...having him around...he'll take us out =) and playing late night with Annie and Bhai is so awesome...and he'll buy coffee and ice-creams for us...and we will also go to Dad's farm...do a little hiking...(once Annie held camels poo =P poor thing =P she didn't know what it was :P and the other time...we were up on the mountain...and she's walking walking walking...and she fell inside a hole-type-thing haha and when we pulled her out she was all brown and sandy=P and the pictures we took were so crazy :P Last time when we went...everybody was like on the top of the mountain...haha and i was not even near half of it =P and I was all so freaked out and bhai took pictures of me from above and I looked like a tiny idiot sitting down on the rocks =P and I was so freaked out that I couldn't go down =P and my lovely jannu bhai came all the way from the top...held my hand...and helped me down XD..)...and and bhai would ask me to make tea for him...and I'd make excuses and faces XD but then I'd make it for him...because he is my bhai =) and I love him alot =)
I'm happy again =) sometimes blogging makes me sad...and then at times it makes me smile...because I realise more...and the importance of the thing I write...increases...wait that didn't make sense =/ o crap.
"....want to wrap you in my arms....hold you close to my heart...and never let go..."
(It's not a lyric =P I wrote that myself *proud smile* OK Nosh. Enough :| It's not a big deal :| yes it is =( OK OK...what ever makes you happy -----> Rija's line XD)

missed ju.

Finally i get to blog :P came back from school early today...bio went pretty good :D at least I'll have one A in my result :D slept at 3 yesterday...aur jab soyi the whole night there was this definition in my mind...something about bio...which is not even in our course :P phir subha couldn't get up...came back home early today with hina and khawar...uff nobody told me that i had ink on my face :P thanks God he didn't see me :P So mum and dad were kind of like having a fight...like not a fight fight...but a fight :P ...when they slept this was the last thing they talked about...when i left for school today they were still talking about :P mum wants me to go the farewell and dad doesn't want me too..."It's not important?"...."yes it is...she works hard (as if :P)...and she deserves it...FAREWELL party...once in a year.." and bla bla bla :P so DUH I'm going :P how can I miss it :P even if i wasn't going everybody would force me to come :P because it's me :P thank you thank you :P might be my last year...well I say that like every time :P I tell people I'm going so I don't go :P this time mum is really serious...i don't want to go...but a part of me wants to go...get a new life...see pakistan myself...tired of people telling me about it...well it would be cool :D I'll be alone :D well not alone, most probably with my mums eldest sister...I can do whatever i want :D :P yeah in my limits...but I'm just scared of facing the world all by myself...what if they do something to me :P uff :P stupid thoughts :P there is a reason behind these stupid thoughts too XD i might have been different...
I'm hungry...these days I've been going crazy drinking Berry Cocktail :D its so yummy :D had it with biryani :P and cornflakes :P I was cleaned my room (bhais room) after ages...just because i didn't want to study for chem :P pata tha mujhay k physics mein exam zone say questions aarahay hai :P but phir bi nae kiyay:P hassan told me...aur jab Sarah ko bataya...she laughed her head off :P "Exam zone...hahhahhaa"...Sarah it's all becuase of you i'll fail in physics now :P
chems post mock is on...Wednesday :S ya i think so...sucky...
I'm worried :( what if I'm not able to get 3 A's :( mum dad will be so sad :( i have to make dad happy no matter what...but nae howa tau?
I'm tired *yawn*
bye bye :)

Chrys. baby.

*yawn* yesh and one more thing… I love Chrysler :) every time I go out…my eyes are just searching for that car…and when I see it…I feel satisfied…like I drank water after walking for miles…its like my heart beat :) :P I’m not lying :P not my fault I have a big heart :P did you know our heart Is the size of our fist? That’s so cool…my fist is quite huge :D
-I love you chrys. Baby-you rock-and don’t ya worry-I’m going to own you one day-

*yawwwwwwwnnnn*

Hello…I am in love with you :p bah :P I want to be a bird :D and fly. But the thing is…that I don’t like birds :P when I see a bird walking in the green area…its head moving agay peechay…it is so annoying…I feel like breaking off its neck :P ya ya mean of me :P I feel like smashing it :P or just stepping on it :P buaahhahahaahah (6) but phir yay bi baat ajaati hai k I can never do that…I’m scared…and IF I see somebody doing it…I’d get angry :P and would feel sorry for the poor baby :(

Uff just came back from a party…and this stupid eye-liner and mascara is making me sleepy…so there was this Palestinian girl…was 17 too…beginning mein we were just starring at each other…I found her really pretty and sesky…and was thinking k its time I start losing weight…then I’d be pretty like her…and kertay kertay we talked and talked and talked…and phir she told me that I was really pretty :P aur mein kia kia soch rahi thi :P if she hadn’t said that…I would have actually done something about my fat :P so see there are people who think I’m fine…and no need to lose weight :P

She loved my color…and I HATE my color *g1*…but one good thing...atleast I have less chances of getting skin cancer than SaraH…na na boo boo SaraH :P

So by the end, we became really good friends. She gave me her e-mail address…she was so excited…most probably I will invite her over after the exams…I’m in love with her…we danced to…she looked awesome while dancing :) but she were more interested In mine…she really likes Pakistani and Indian cultures…our dresses…our language…our dance…our beauty…and I think the same for them…weird the way God created human…the way the minds work…the way we perceive things…the way we describe beauty…so many different choices…from cars to dresses to food…I love you

God…at times I feel like hugging him…usually when I’m in bed…I’d say “goodnight God…Love you” and I’d give him a flying kiss…and kabhi ghussa bi ata hai God per…I’d just say…”bus, don’t talk to me!”…yeah silly of me…I don’t know if you can do that or not…I see no harm in doing so…He’s my God…and I have all the right to talk to him…Gosh I feel like screaming out right now :P and say “God I love you!!!” uff :P at times I get these crazy ideas…and I so feel like doing them…this sudden rush…of adrenaline in my blood…BAH…

And usually yay bi hota hai…k I talk to Satan in my head...I can feel his presence in me…telling me to do wrong stuff…and I’m usually saying…”I know its you…”…now am I crazy? :S No naa.

Sigh a hot cup of tea is so relaxing after a tiring day…I never knew I make such good tea :P I mean sab kehtay tau thay…but now when I drink it…I’m shocked…itni yummy tea :P Gosh I love me :) you should love me too :P I’m not kidding…I should get the love…I deserve…because I love people…(with a few exception like dash dash *g1* I hate that S&% #@ % #$@#&...i have short-temper…and mujhay ghussa bi chur gaya hai abi…I feel like strangling him…killing the hell out of time…for all he has done…make him pay back…itni dil chahta hai k I say something to him…make a bad dua for him...and all those with him…but I just can’t XD I can think about it…but I can never speak out those words…because all I know is…never pray bad for somebody…sniff…I hate him…can I say one bad word dudy…please…it will make me feel better…umm..ok?....he’s a kuta :D sigh…I never hate people like that…there’s a reason behind everything…and all I can say is…I can forgive those people who bla bla-ed me…but I can’t forgive somebody…who insults my parents….threatens them…does bad with them…when my poor dad doesn’t even deserve it…thanks to those BA#$%&@# abi is waqt I’m going through living hell…so I just cant wait to grow up…support my parents…be there voice…be there shield…)sigh…I wrote so much…I love my bed :) my bed is my life :) and my life Is special :) special because if I wasn’t here…what would all your lives be without me…

Rija would be stuck with annam :P and she would have nobody to make fun of :)

Sarah would have no one to talk to on the phone with :P nobody to say “I want to talk to someone” (when she’d be talking to me).

Bhai wouldn’t see anyone cry when he’d be coming or going.

Annie wouldn’t have a best friend.

Class kay liyay itnay yummy yummy cakes kon banata?

Haya ko biology main support kon kerta?

Mama ki help kon kerta?

Dad k saath kon chill kerta?

Who’d make awesome tea like me?

Who’d bug mano for internet?

No clown of the class.

Dudy ko tung kon kerta? Naraz kon hota?

OMG! Sniff…*cry1* thank you guys so much :( I love you…never realized I was that important :P so see…love me :) you won’t find another me…

If I read my blog 10 years from now…what do you think…how am I going to react?...”OMG! I was so dumb!” or “did I really write that” or “I can’t imagine myself ever liking that boy!” or “hahhahhahaha I’m still the same”

Most probably…I’m going to be the same…but you never know…everybody changes…I don’t want to change…I love me…well yeah maybe…In some ways I would want to change…sigh…we’ll see…and if I live long enough to have kids…and if my kids read this…don’t you dare think that my mum was so silly :P and you should know that mommy loves you, okay?...I want to be your best friend :) and after you read my blog…I hope you feel the same way for me…gosh pata nae…tub tuk world kahan say kahan tuk poohunch jaega…where will I be…what will I be…who will I be with….OMG! fajr ki azaanay ho rahi hai :O I’ve been writing since 2 :O *stop writing* *Dua* *yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn*

Bored ho gayay/hogayi ho kia? Mano you’d definitely be bored :P I try not to write stuff about me :P but I’m sorry yaar I end up writing about my stuff :P so agar nae acha lagta tau naa parha karo :P I’m not going to kill you or something XD and sarah you too :P mera blog hai :P main jo marzi likhoon :P I love my blog :) it defines me :) and I love you rija for not making fun of my blog :) my fries :) *hugs for rija* girl I love you :) I was telling my Palestinian friend about you…and I was telling her…that I’m proud to have a friend like you…and that I love you…and that if she met…she’d love you too :) I even showed her a picture of us both :) and sarah-my Saudi friend- knows a lot about you too now…showed her all our pictures…telling her so much about you…its true baby…I love you :)

Challo enough :P if I don’t sop now :P I’ll never stop :P ya ya exaggerating :P its almost 5 :O ufff time ko dhaik ker bohut neend ati hai :P

-I love you people-goodnight-sleeptite-sweetdreams-*yawn*-take care-love me :)

(dudy I didn’t have credit to message you goodnight :’( sniff don’t cry dudy :( it’s ok :( hota hai kabhi kabhi :( :P acha acha bye :)

Sarah just liked one post :S :( i loved all of yours :( oh ! i said i wouldn't blog anymore :P ok ok :P

Babies. Grandparents.

Ms. told us today that ultra-sounds...don't usually give the true result...she was telling that one of her friends...had 6 daughters and they wanted a boy so badly...she got pregnant...got an ultra-sound done...and the doctors told her that it's a girl...she got an abortion done...tau later pata challa kay it was a boy...and she went insane...that is just so sad...not that she lost her baby boy...well, that too...but...even if it was a girl...she shouldn't have had done it...babies are a gift from God...ask people who don't even have a single child...when I was born...mum told me that...people used to say..."kis per gayi hai yay!!...kalli..."...and my grandma used to get really angry...she'd say to my mum..."you don't want her...give her to me...I will love her more than you can imagine...you should thank God"....no matter how you look...what you are...your parents will love you...my mum loves me...and she is proud to have a daughter like me...and when I'm alone with her...she's always telling me..."I can feel it...your going to have a bright future...and I know...you'll be the one out of all four...to support us the most in our old age.."....which mother doesn't want her child to have a great future...happy life...sigh...my grandfather loved my brother the most out of all his grandchildren...and my mum's brothers and sisters usually got pissed off...because my grandfather never let anyone touch or scold him...May God give you (my Grandparents) heavens :)

I love you :) and I miss you guys alot...even though I didn't get to spend so much time with you...and I...wish you were alive here with me...*sniff*....every time I think about you guys...I cry...I'm really jealous of people...my friends..who have grandparents...when I don't...I don't care if that's mean or not...I don't care...how long am I going to pretend...I love you :( *hugs*

Want you to see me grow up...getting good grades...want you to tell me...that I look beautiful...hug me...buy me stuff...love me...tell me stories about your childhood...make me laugh...stop mum from scolding me...

I want to...make tea for you(-making tea for people I love has its own fun-)...see you sitting all day long...sigh I love you :(

I just pray that my kids...don't go through what I did...and they love my parents the way I would have loved you...

I feel so incomplete right now without you guys...